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27/08/25

21:54

Empty & Confused & Excited

School has started and yesterday was my first day of college. To be honest I was so nervous but it turned out to be so much fun. The most fun I've had in a while probably. I met these girls in my class and we became friends, sorta. And we did these activities at school and eventualy we went to this party that was kinda lame but we got food and drinks and then went to get our faces painted. And after that we got into this girl her car and went to mac donalds. Honestly I would have never expected to end up in the car with 3 new friends going to mac donalds late in the evening. I wasnt even expecting to make friends lol. But yeah its so nice and today also was fun we went painting and other stuff.

I'm glad that I got along with my new clasmates (most of them) so fast. But damn I do really feel that anxiety coming up and maybe I should start seeing proffesional help again. I really get this undertone of fear now wich makes me afraid of not getting along with my new class and like me coming to school one day and them not liking me anymore idk its so stupid I always get this with people and I hate it and I hate myself for it. I dont even understand.

Like life is so exciting now and fun why do I feel like this and let it ruin me. I feel so empty right now and I hate myself even tough I know none of my fear will come true. Its so exhausting I feel like I made almost no progress on my mental health compared to last year. I dont know what to do really but I always feel like this at the end of the day, and when I wake up tomorrow I will probably cringe at myself and think that its not that bad. That part makes me so confused, like??!

But I must say again that my new class is fun and I get so inspered by them and I am really glad that I chose this degree in creative therapy. Its kinda perfect ig. But that is also why my brain might fear losing it, as always things most valueable to me become a fear of a chance that I will lose it somehow. Like losing my best friend or losing my collection of personal belongings etc. Idk guys I'll update you guys soon probably I'll see how it all goes I just wish that my anxiety would go away so I can feel normal again and enjoy things and be less stressed and take a deep breath for once...

It just feel so stupid that even tough yesterday I made new friends and was so fun I just cant really seem to be happy for once, or relieved, ever. I dont know when I last really felt relieve or real 'Happines.' its so contradicting to feel so empty while I experience things and my life is really not that bad.

Bye guys, Much love, Niels.

08/08/25

23:07

Tired & Restless

Hey guys it been so long since I last wrote here on my blog, I'm so sorry for the silence... I'll try to update you guys on my life as best as I can. For those who are interested. I'll try to go over the things that happened between last blogpost and now. I hope you guys enjoyed reading my other entries because this is probably going to be a long one...

First off, I ended up going to a tryout day at that college I was talking about. I was pretty nervous but it ended up being pretty fun. I got pretty useful information and the activities were a nice way of being introduced. I actually met this really kind girl and she drew a picture of me which I loved. She asked for my Instagram and kept in touch, but eventually I decided not to go to that school. It was just too far away and it would mean that I needed to rent an apartment which is so expensive in The Netherlands and I just didn't want to get a huge debt. I think the one of the reason I wanted to go there was to leave everything behind and start somewhere new. I wasn't really seeing or talking to my best friend (or any friends) much back then and my separation anxiety just made me believe that we wouldn't get close ever again which is stupid I know but that's just something that I suffer from. Also, I also wanted to move away because I was playing life is strange and it really made me wanna experience college somewhere new. But it just wouldn't be same as life is strange, that's what I eventually realized. So I eventually told her I was not going to go to that school (Which in the meantime she applied for) and after that she just kind of ignored me and hasn't responded in 3 months which is sad because we had plans to make a city trip and drink coffee somewhere. But I also get it, since I wont be going to that school it isn't really worth it to keep contact with each other...

I also got a job again, one that pays better. But where I need to work harder and also work more hours. Especially now in summer vacation. sometimes I got to work 11 hours, starting at 7 in the morning and ending at 6 in the evening. which forces me to wake up at 5 in the morning which is so exhausting. Luckily this has only been the case a few times. Still I hate work, it is better then my old job but for some reason half of my co-workers are narcistic corporate slaves who take their job way too serious and think that they need to correct me on everything while doing the same thing wrong as they correct me on. But I try not to let it get to me, most of them don't mean to be such assholes but they just are... Also can we like talk about the feeling of knowing you'll have work the next day. Its so exhausting like I'm just thinking my whole life over the evening before work, like I just despise it so much. I need the money but is it even worth it?? I just keep getting stressed and not being able to relax knowing that I have to work a long shift. Even when its 3 days away, I'm not able to take it as it is. My brain just keeps overanalyzing and reminding me about it. I guess its just a motivation to go to school and never have to work in a fuckass supermarket again.

In the beginning of April I also started a band with 2 school friends. We play hardcore punk/Beatdown. We already have merch and wrote 2 songs. We actually managed to get a pretty good recording sound with my past experience in music and software. we got a nice audio interface with some amps and microphones. Maybe I'll share the EP we are making once its out!!

I also graduated high school! The learning was long and stressful but my grades were really good and I passed easily. Now I can go on to college which is actually starting in a few weeks. I'm exited but also pretty nervous. I know some people from my old school that are going to the same college but I don't know anyone in my classes. I hope I will meet nice people and make some friends inside of school. Also my bestie might go to the same school as me and start her first school year at the same time as me which would be so cool and nice I really hope it can happen!!

Also I went on a vacation to Norway with my family and to the Veluwe with my friend. which was really fun and it was nice to be there again. It was so fucking hot tho it was unbearable at some point. We went home early but we might be going back in the Autumn which would be so much fun. Norway also was so nice and beautiful even tough i have been there like 8 times. Still I enjoyed it more then last time. This time actually felt like a break and it was nice to be away from my life. I guess that now I see how you can really get caught up in life and how taking some distance from it is really relieving. I started reading while on vacation and am now really fan of books again. I don't use devices before sleeping now (except today lol) and my quality of sleep has improved. I also use my phone less which is nice.

I'm feeling better then last summer and hope Autumn will be better too, I'm actually pretty excited to experience coziness and trees turning orange again. Also watching movies on VHS. But the thing is that memories and nostalgia leave out the bad part mostly. I always fall into a seasonal depression once it gets grey and dark. We'll see lol, all I can do is hope! I'm sure it will be better.

One major thing that did make me feel worse again was a fight I had with my parents like 3 days ago. My dad came into my room angry because apparently I had gotten angry in a "argument" with my mom. And he like kept accusing me of searching trouble and always "wanting" to argue with them and shit like that And eventually I just snaped and just went crazy I was like crying and screamed like I've never had before that I hated everything, that I hated myself and all mankind and that I never even chose to be here and have a consciousness let alone be alive. I don't know what happened but it just came out, all those emotions and anger I was holding in for so long. It really scared my parents (Which I feel bad about) and we had a pretty good conversation after I was calmed down. I felt pretty relieved but still something doesn't sit right with me. idk...

I have to go now its been more then an hour since I began typing, I really should go to bed. Bye and thanks for reading if you did :)

28/02/25

20:11

Energetic & Tired

I got a vhs player and its working!!! I'm so glad, also bought some tapes today! I swear I'll update my physical media tab soon, I just need to find the energy/motivation to do so. Then I can also work on the site a little!! Cleaning and rearranging my room now so I should probably go back to doing that. I also started to write in a physical diary now so thats why I dont really write here that often... I'm gonna go now bye!!

20/02/25

22:54

Bored & Excited & Nervous

Finished episode 1 of life is strange, I feel so sad that I finished it that quick and will never be able experience it for the first time again...

Anyway I did something so impulsive but also overwhelming and suspensefull... You know that I was talking about moving and picking a different college to go to? I just signed up for this trial study day at a college in Amersfoort, wich is a city close to my favorite part of the netherlands... The Veluwe!!! PINETREES AND PINEWOODS AAAAAAAAA. So if this trial day leaves a good impression on me, I might actualy go to that school, and also move there... Finaly, I might make a change in my life. I'm really glad that I might actualy do this, but also im really nervous about it all since its a big change. But I might actualy regret not looking into other schools and shit. When I finish school I wont be able to experience this shit and it wont be able to move that easily. This is my chance to maybe do something for once!!

19/02/25

22:28

Lonely & yearning

Started playing Life is Strange like yesterday, I havent even finished the first episode but I'm already in love. I love the whole scenery and vibes, pinetrees, rural towns, 2010's, teenage life. What more could I ask for. I also love Max (the main character) Me and her have so much in common I feel like. I really would want to be best friends with her. Honestly I get so sad that I will probably never experience that vibe, idk how to explain but it trully is gut wrenching.

I want to make a big change in life, I want to move and go to college somewhere else. I want to meet new people, I want to make new friends. I used to be this guy with a big social circle, meeting new people almost everyweek. But now I rarely meet new people, and I dont got that much real friends. I want to move for a change of scenery, I want forests. Tomorow me and my parents are gonna look into other schools in other parts of the netherlands, and places where I can move to.

I really wanna do this and leave this place behind. I feel like if I dont make a big change, life will be the same over and over again and im so sick of that. I need something new. I need to make a decision for myself, nothing matters anyway. At the end of the day you will always be alone... With your self. I really hope I can move and go to a different school, I hope its not too late. If I remember right, I still have to to change schools and shit...

I also want a polaroid camera now, but im broke and jobbles, so I'll need to find a job soon.

18/02/25

00:30

weird &

I am pretty drunkd now but i felt kidna happy i guess now I see why some people become alcholic but not me i dont want to ever. but I aslo cried some tears for first time in like a year wow, life is so weird bruh

16/02/25

14:38

Bored

got final exams coming up but I dont want to make homework... But I Probably should tho lol but im too lazy, it also sucks that like 2 months before the exams all my freetime will be gone so yeahhh.

Sun is shining today so that is nice, I've been bored the whole weekend and not been outside that much lol. I have just been sewing some patches onto hoodies and been playing fortnite and watching adventure time. Was going to play DnD today but someone was sick to it didnt go through sadly.

14/02/25

00:14

Tired & Sad

Valentines day!! My parents maried when they were around 22/21, I'm almost 18 and I'm not confident that much is gonna change for me in 3/4 years. I know its cringe to say lolll. Im gonna sleep now bye.

06/02/25

22:51

Chillin & Happy

Tried poking the laser tray thinge thing on the exposed part on my cd player radio thing, got pretty frustrated trying to make that stupid thing work. I just stabbed the laser glass in anger lol so that thing is broken for sure. Not that it even really functiond before... But yeah now I dont got nothing to play cds with. I hope I get a stereo set for my birthday but it wont be a really good on because I dont have that much money.

05/02/25

22:27

Positive & weird

School today... BORINGGGG!!!!!!!! Went to the thrift for some fabric for my diy projects, then went to this russian shop and bought sunflower seeds. Gotta love Russian food and culture, such a shame that the leader is such an asshole.

I then went to a bench where I used to sit and eat семечки, I havent really sat down and turned my mind off for like a year. I just looked up at the sky while listening some music and thats when I realised that the whole world and our reality, is just a painting.

Honestly, just look up at the sky and tell me that it doesnt look like a painting... Especialy when the sun is setting and you got these strokes of pink in the air. Shouldve been sitting way more the last year, your brain sometimes just needs time to think without doing stuff.

One other thing the sky has taught me today is that birds that fly in formations never leave each other, some might get tired and fly a bit behind but they will always return to each other. Idk why but for me it has a deeper meaning because I kinda have this seperation and abandonment anxiety with people (this makes me clingy to people sometimes idk), I guess. For me the birds kind of symbolize and remind me that even when you and someone grow apart, if you care enough about each other you will grow back and be as close as before. If that makes sense lol, wish I would understand that back when I was like 8 lol, I probably sound crazy now tho. But if you look around you hard enough you can find a million symbols and lessons...

Went home, played CSGO 2 with my brother and a friend of him, but fuck that game valve made it so much worse. That game really makes me rage and angry, old csgo was way better... After that I worked on sewing fabric onto my leather jacket and then I fixed some holes in this old tshirt that I've been wearing for 5 years. Really nice that I learned how to fix small thing like that! Also really nice sitting and enjoying the sky. I'm gonna go now gotta sleep soon, Bye!!!!!!!

04/02/25

19:52

Weird & Positive & A bit sick

Worked on my painting again this morning, besicly just made some sketches and worked out what I wanted a bit. I hope that it will be good enough to hang on my wall!! I have been feeling a little weird today, like kind of empty but I still get these explosions of happynes sometimes lol. I am also feeling a bit sick so that would probably explain it hah. Been working on my site now and gonna watch adventure time after this!

I also want to start writing a book maybe, for fun and te express myself. Maybe if I'll ever start or even finish it, then I'll also put it up on the website for you guys to read. Bye for now!!

02/02/25

22:30

Tired & Happy

Last friday I bought some VHS tapes wich was really cool to find for only like 50 cent a-piece. Theyre really cool looking horror movies, so I'll need to find a VHS player soon :) . Got my grades back from the testweek and theyre pretty good so I'm glad. I do be a bit stressed about money because as I said earlier I lost my job, but it'll probably be alright. Also Spend the weekend sleeping over at my best friend wich was really fun. It was also nice seing her again because I didnt see her for a long time. We also went to a record store and got some cds!

I am actualy feeling pretty good right now (its nice to know that school is on a slowerpace now after the testweek.) But I also do understand myself a little more now from time to time. Like little sparks of hope, I do see now that overthinking doesnt solve/do anything. Its still hard to act on that knowing it but still, recognizion is the first step to fixing it. I see now that fear and stress makes you blind, it makes you think that you need it. But you dont need it, in most cases it will just makes thing worse or overcomplicated.

I hope I can keep this mindset now and get rid of that sinking feeling in my stomache that I've had for over a half year, its time to let go, relax and focus on life. Bye guys, take care ♡.