Blog archive 11/2024

30/11/24

22:44

Honestly I am so tired of feeling like this, I dont want to feel like this everyday. I want to go back to spring this year, I felt much beter back then. More relaxed and less woried so to say. I just want to be a chill teenager from 2010 somewhere in the pacific northwest
;(. I'm really gonna go to a pyschologist soon probs because I cant do this alone, I cant carry all this weight like this lol. I think I might have some serious issues with looping toughts and over thinking wich is the main reason on why I feel like this, reasurrence is like a drug.

Maybe I should also limit my Screamo listening time or sum, the genre is great and will remain my favorite but well... Music has a kinda big impact on your mood and feeling and most screamo is like, kinda depressing and angry. I think I'm gonna start listening to midwest emo more again. Just wanna be a chill guy people, without a worry on my mind.

S0rry again guys I dont want to be a complaining loser but yeah maybe I am, byee!

29/11/24

17:21

I am sleeping over at a school friends house today. Right now Im siting in a public libary because he needs to work for like 4 hours, and well, I cant really stay at his house for 4 hours idk. So here I am in this libary in the computer section flipping through old itunes tutorials and other outdated itc books. Honestly I forgot what a vibe hte libary was, and how it is so cool that you can read books for free here. Maybe I should come here more often just to force myself to read something, maybe then I will learn usefull things again.
Also I got a hardcore show tonight!!

(Also if I can find an outlet here in a not crowded room maybe I can work on my website!!)

28/11/24

23:23

Tomorow I got school so I can finish my painting and hopefully upload it to my site and I have a hardcore metal show and I can work on my website and my bestie is still alive so yes life is great wow wow wow bye!!!!!!!!!!!!

Its late lol gotta go slep byebyeb

27/11/24

22:52

Honestly, I'm so hyperaware of shit I do that make my life miserable. Like looping thoughts and being worried about bullshit. The main reason why I guess I feel so much hate and anger for myself is because I know that I am making my life so difficult in my head, but yet being unable to stop doing the things that make me feel so bad. Like I know that looping thoughts wont do anything but make me feel distressed, But yet I choose gut over feeling and I am unable to actualy act on it.

Been feeling like this for like a few months now, started somewhere in summer and tought it would pass. Well it didnt. One of my main fears is like losing people or them not liking me anymore etc, or worrying that they dont care about me as much as I care about them. Wich is stupid, I know. But since my little "Love" Accident back in 2022, I havent really felt like I make a difference in anybody's life or that people really care about me that much, I really am unable to. All I want honestly is someone telling me from their heart that they care about me, that they love me, and that I make a difference in their life and mean something to them, that I'm worthy of effort.

(But even if someone told me that, I dont really know if it would wash away my fears or even get through to my head that well)

But here comes the thing, I hate myself too for thinking this, like im some egoistic attention seeker that over analyzes every move of someone and weighs every effort between me and them, not that I really do that but I feel like I'm doing it way too often I guess. Stuck in my own ways and tought and I hope I can get out somehow, and make a little progres instead of everyday searching for confirmation about bullshit and restarting the next day. It feels like I'm stuck in a loop.

Well yes sorry for this post idk I dont want to come acros as a self pity having sympathy searching guy, really I just want to get this of my chest so yeah. Bye guys.

26/11/24

21:27

Jess from Farcry 5 is such a girlboss, like... Getting something you've wanted for so long yet suprisingly feeling nothing when actualy getting it. I can relate girl!!

Tbh today was not intresting but what is these days, worked on my painting at school that I need to hand in friday for art. Begining to look pretty good and tbh I'm kinda proud of myself, finaly learning something new is fun I guess so maybe I'll start picking up some paint suplies for at home?

I used to paint D&D Minifigures and I was pretty good at it, maybe I could do that also again. But I have no actual use for them really, I dont know any people to run a campaign for so I guess it'l have to be for fun.

After that I went to drink ice cofee at a cafe with my friend, then I went home, Had a fight with my mom and played Farcry 5 all evening. Tbh its so weird how I can go from happy and a good mindset to sad and feeling lonely when alone. Probs gonna go to a therapist soon or something idk I have a lot of shit going on wich I dont talk about.

25/11/24

23:12

Gotta love overthinking and making my life over complicated searching for confirmation!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Its about time that I should start writing here again, but can help but to cringe at myself for even being open about my feeling

Okay bye now le neocities may life get better for all of us!!

02/11/24

15:23

Hi guys, spend my halloween sleeping over at my bestfriends house. We watched movies and rode our bikes while visiting some places wich was really fun! Also been stitching again on a shirt I got from her, I'll probaly make a stitching project scrapbook soon. I will post some pictures there! Gotta love halloween Im in love with the whole aesthetic!!



Me and my friend at the thrift store!



Me! (photo taken by the bestie Rowan!)

Got tests coming up so I should start studying now lol bye!