Blog archive 10/2024

28/10/24

22:49

Back from vacation, septembers almost over damn.

My friend wants to make homework with me and the girl that compliments me now lol I tbh I realy dont want to. Idk why but I am scared for situations like that I wish I could just vanish or something lol. I'm scared that I'll get too akward. This is why I never really get the chance to talk to people who I'm kinda intrested in, I just scare myself away. Guess I'll go tho, otherwise nothing ever changes (not that I have a crush on this girl.)

Also dont really know what to do with my site rn, as of now I dont know what to add. Also not feeling that happy or motivated rn and I got a testweek coming up. Idk how long this feeling will last but I might just quit, maybe a few blogposts here and there but maybe no other changes for a while. As is said nothing is certain.

26/10/24

22:38

Hi guys yesterday I forgot to add that in this part of my country they actualy do something for halloween, like decorations. Wich is nice because in the part where I live they just suck off some christian guy that has been dead for like 1500 years. And he probaly wasnt even a good guy, "Sint maarten" How boring. Halloween is so much beter.

Plushie was not for sale sadly...

Also about the thing about me that I heard yesterday... I cant really seem to believe it or something lol, like its too good to be true. And im kinda overthinking like if she really meant it, idk my brain kinda tells me im not worthy of that kind of compliment so it feels unreal.

Im gonna go to sleep now bye!!

25/10/24

22:21

Hey guys today was kinda awesome!!!

Went to school in the morning and called with my best friend while biking, then after the lesson I went back home to pack my stuff for my vacation. Then we rode to the destination and stopped on the way at some cafe.

The cafe was some cool royal garden type area, it looked so beautifull in autumn!!! I really think Autumn is my new favorite season fr! Like everything was so pretty and had such a good aestethic!



I LOVE AUTUMN AND PUMPKINS!!!

There also was this huge pumpkin with vip bariers around it and it looked really funny. The whole vibe so like so cool, it was nice weather but also had that Autumn feel and appearance. Like really how I always see Autumn in america or on tumblr.

Then we went ot the park where we would be staying, I bought a cool owl keychain to hang on my bag!



It looks so cute!!!

And well then I called with my other friend from school for like 2 hours while walking circles around the park outside in the dark. She told me that a girl from my class had said that she tought that I was the pretiest boy in our class!!! Wich really makes me happy, nobody has eversaid that to/about me as far as im aware. Nor did I ever expect that someone would ever say that about me lol. Its nice to hear because that girl is also pretty and nice altough I dont really know her.
Today was nice and I really felt happy and at ease for once, I really need to go now (my pc also has been lagging wich does worry me.) Bye guys!!!

24/10/24

22:54

Hi guys I wanted to write earlier but my ipod kept not syncin right (its still not working.) But I'll do that tomorow, today was alright. Called with my best friend and also hung out with her, went to school (wich was boring as always.) And also had work, where I am kinda becoming friends with this girl who also goes to my school. Shes really kind and cool, kinda refreshing to have someone at work who is a bit alternative.

Tomorow I am going on a vacation, yippie!! I'll sleep now because my neck is hurting. I'll fix my ipod tomorow and I'll do some things for the site ig, if I even have time tho... Really gona go now otherwise my parents will get mad, byee.

22/10/24

22:43

Im back guys if someone even cares tho lol. Been kinda busy with school and such because stress is adding up everyday for my testweek. Also me and my parents havent been getting along that well for a while now.

Cant really seem to get excited for thing like I used to, I cant really seem to get it straight in my head. Like a blur, idk. Life's been kinda boring and it has been this way for a long time. Its just that I dont really get up to excited things because this country sucks. There is nothing, and I mean really kinda nothing to do.

I also seem to expect too much when trying to do something fun, my head really fucks up the moment. I cant help but to think all day, everyday. I just ask myself why I am doing this to myself, it just fuels my hatred more and more lol...

Gonna go now gotta sleep bye guys.

Cogito, ergo sum

17/10/24

11:37

Should be making school work now but bruhhh I dont wanna :( . Idk what im doing this school year loL!!!!!!!!!!!!!

16/10/24

11:28

Tbh guys school has kinda got the better of me in terms of stress and time again, its just that if I fail this year. That I need to go to a new school, wich I really dont want to. I also kinda struggle with keeping up with schoolwork, its just that I cant seem to concentrate or motivate myself to really work on it. Its just all so boring, there are a 100 things that are more intresting or fun that I would rather do.

When I actualy have free time I cant seem to relax either its like the tought of having to do things for school lives rent free in my head or something. Its not like this feeling and stress came out of nowhere tho, my whole life has kinda been about being neurodivergent and figuring out how things work best for me. Something I still havent figured out.

It kinda sucks figuring out how my brain works when I cant understand myself, I've had this fear of failure for aslong as I can remember. Even before I got diagnosed with it I knew that I had a high iq (wich sounds super dorky, thats why I never discuss it.) And I knew that the school system and society are not made for me. Trying to understand my self seems impossible and it makes me hate myself even more lol.

Well I'll see how things will go, I've got a test week coming up soon wich sucks. I will try to keep updating my site but my mind is just a complete mess now. Bye love you guys♡

(Typing this in class...)

12/10/24

22:38

Hello guys I did alot of things for the website today!!!

Today while I was on my bike going back home from a birthday, I suddenly got this feeling of relieve and peace. Like some weight dropped of my shoulder, the feeling that everything is gonna be okay... I hope I can keep that feeling tho, its has worn off a bit but I will try to keep it. I came to the realisation that stressing and overthinking gets me nowhere, I should not let it ruin my life.

I will try my best to listen to myself, feeling over gut... But still gut seems to win most of the time lolz, I just need a break ig. I'm probaly gonna go on a holiday to Norway again next summer wich im both excited and anxious for. I just really need to have some adventure and cool surroundings to experience, but I also have a fear of missing out back home and leaving my friends alone.

We'll see how it goes guys, gonna go now. I will try to not wake up with that horrible feeling in my stomache tomorow. I will try to calm down and relax myself... Bye!!

11/10/24

22:57

Damn bruh Autumn is nice when its daytime, but at nighttime it gets so dark and kinda depressing again when you're alone fr fr. Also really cold, was sleeping over with my bestie and we went to a park in the night and damn it felt like my fingers were freezing of. Still was really fun tho!!!

Sorry for the few blogposts lately I am kinda busy and dont got that much to write about, I want to have a mix of serious and fun blogposts so yeah I'll get into it more later!!!

Gotta sleep now tho tomorow I got to get up early and I am really tired, bye!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

7/10/24

22:53

Been updating the site alot the past few days!! Also cant seem to get a goodnights rest anymore for some reason, really vague.

Been watching this 1 season anime romcom called Hiromiya, and honestly this is the first show in a while that I am able to watch without getting distracted. To be honest this show feels really conecting to me in a way, I really do relate with both Hori-san and Miyamura-kun. Not that I've ever been in a relationship or have any experience on love, but I really understand the overthinking and worrying that comes forth in this anime!!! I'm not gonna spoil more in this blog post tho. I'm gonna write a review once I am done watching it.

Please!!!!!!! Let me have a little romance in my life bruh!!!!!!!!! I just wanna be loved, pls!!!!!!!

Also hope to get alot of homework done this week, altough I have no motivation lolz. But yeah the weekend will probaly be fun, so I'll have to make sure my homework is finished?? I hate school bruh.

Really needa go to sleep now bruh its 23:00 already...



Ima loser!!

5/10/24

22:40

Today I felt so fucking weird guys holy shit, I had this feeling of hate for myself today on levels I've never experienced before. Kind of scares me because it felt like nothing mattered anymore bruh

But anyway my parents took me and my brother out to dinner, at first I was so fucking tired and didnt wanna go. But when we sat down for a while I felt better and more happy. Took my Iphone 3g with me to listen to music and make some pictures wich was really nice, I'll update the photo tab soon!



Yummy food!!!!

Yesterday also was really fun guys had a great time at my chilling with my 3 friends and some other people at a birthday!!!

14:40

Not gonna lie, I was kinda having a good day but then I got hit with the fear of getting into problems or having beef with people. Idk but that has always been a fear for me somehow. Used to be way worse tho, when I woke up back then I would instantly have this feeling of suspense in my stomache until I booted up my phone to see that no one was mad at me. Kind of have that feeling in my stomache again idk why.

I wish I could just fade of this earth to live anonymous or something.

3/10/24

22:36

Well, today was the worst school day I've had in like a while. Started my morning off with a whole ass fight between me and my dad. Not gonna write down the whole thing because that would take too long... But basicly I called my mom out on the fact that it feels like my parents always seem to have a lack of confidence in me and seem to not trust me or something. My mom left and then my dad started to continue the argument.

So yeah he kinda began bringing up shit that I've done like 3/4 years ago (things that arent even that serious). Idk why he did it but I think he brought it up to like justify them not trusting me??? Idk. I snapped and brought up something that to this day, hurts me very much. And for the first time in a year I really cried, but not out of sadness realy. not the kind of crying session where you feel relief after.

He told me that they felt like I was avoiding them, that we couldnt have any form of conversation anymore. Well, what would the reason for that be? Not my fault!! I was shaking so bad and wanted to pull my hair out the whole time lol, the irony is that I had Screamo playing the whole time. He told me that I had this severe buildup anger or something and that we needed to talk about it. He told me that the music (Screamo) that was playing also sounded mad.

Eventualy my father wanted to give me a hug but I really didnt want to. This day, and moment made me realise. That I am like not at all close with my parents, they feel like random people im living with. Not that I dont love them, but I dont feel any type of conection with them, I dont feel like I can tell them private things or trustworthy stuff. This also made me realize, that holy shit I really am filled with this kind of anger and hate.

I've been feeling this way since late 2022, since things with school went downhill. The rest of today I spent feeling tired and annoyed. And for some reason I really had this urge to hurt myself or people around me, maybe out of frustration or as a way to relief my anger?! Idk, I'll sleep this off probaly. Today really drained me, I probaly left things out that I wanted to tell you guys but I cant quite remember now.

Gonna sleep now tho, I cant help but think that maybe I really am the problem.