Blog archive 09/2024

29/09/24

22:50

Okay guys so there is this friend of mine, and everytime he sees me he asks me "Hows the love live goin?." And I tell him: Well, nothing really changed. Idk why he keeps asking me this. Nothing changed, nothing changed in the past 17 years that I've been alive lol. Thanks for reminding me that I'm a 17 year old loser who will never experience teenage love!!!



When I went out to go to my best friends house today I got a whif of that autumn air mixed with some fireplace smoke... And damn I forgot that it was already autumn!! Also this evening I finaly saw some stars in the sky again, stars really are beautifull. Such a shame that you cant really see any here. The city's emit too much light damn.

Today also made me wanna be beter to my little brother, idk why but I think I just realized what an asshole I've been to him my whole life... I remember when I was young and when he was a baby. And I used to hurt him on purpose, he'd cry and then id blame it one something else when my mom came in. I know it was terrible and that im an fucking cruel and worthless human. But I cant change anything about it now, only thing I can do is feel bad about it even after all these years... Maybe I should buy him a gift or something and try to be less anoying to him?! Idk I'll try, thats for sure...

Alright that was my whining session for today, gonna sleep now lol I have a bussy day tomorow. if I wont stop writing soon my parents will get mad, its 23:02 already lol. Bye!!

28/09/24

11:41

I am bored out of my mind and have no motivation left, for anything. Me making a visual novel was a fun little idea but as always it doesnt go as I expected. I suck at drawing and now I dont know what to do with the soundtrack that I made so yeah. I can make music but I dont know what to do with it/use it for. So its kinda pointles. Really a shame tho because I had such a good story in mind.

26/09/24

07:26

Holy shit my parents suck at arguing, I hate when they act like this.

23/09/24

22:37

Hello guys I am back lol, I will work on my site again soon I promise. There is alot to be done!! As of now I am kinda busy with schoolwork and such, I am finaly catching up with homework. But still I cant help but be kind of scared for coming test weeks and exams.

Also been dealing with a friend from school alot, idk but she has alot going on getting panic attacks at school, few days ago she was found crying in the toilet. And well I was the only one that could talk to her really, but yeah... What can I even do in that situation, I've only know her for a while and well she is not really able to talk while having these attacks. Not that I dont want to help her but yeah it kind of feels like an extra resposibility, she needs proffesional help or someone who can actualy help her because I cant. Also shes been sending me alot of messages on different platforms and she also send me a fucking 5 page email about her biography and how much I how she needed me, idk. I wouldnt care if me and her were really close, but idk this weirds me out and bother me a bit. Not to sound like a asshole or a selfish person but I really dont need this in my life...

Okay so now something about my actual day... I acidentaly dropped my Ipod on the floor bruh ;( . And now it got some cracks in the screen but its still fully functional, I hope that it will stay this way! Still feel so bad about it tho, bought it for 20 euros in like super good condition wich really was a steal for its price...

Cant do anything about it now tho so I should stop thinking about it, A few cracks in the top layer of the screen shouldnt fuck up the thing.

(PS. I also began to make music again, for my visual novel wich I hopefully will write/work on soon, and I've been getting into magic again a little bit. Also been playing fallout new vegas with my bestie and that game is really good!)

Bye now!!!!!!!

22/09/24

22:31

I was biking home, listening to Autumn's Grey Solace. It was past sunset and the light of the sun was only visible in the horizon. The grass looked so inviting... I wanted to lay down, and look at the sky for hours, alone or with someone. To forget everything, to enjoy the moment...

But I couldnt, why? Because I needed to get home, because there are things to do, because life is fast paced.

Why? Why do I even try to make a difference in a world like this, a world so stuck in its own ways. What is even my purpose? Time will pass by anyway, am I just slowly rotting away? Why do I try helping people, why do I feel so powerless and bad when I cant? Why do I overthink everything, constantly searching for reinsurance only to let go of it so quicky, for the cycle to repeat itself. Constantly hesitating if people value me as much as I value them...

But what do I care? In the end your always alone with your own consciousness, something that I see more as a curse then a blessing. My consciousness is ruining my own life. My mind now is such a big blur, I cant even remember simple roles characters from series. This summer I've been struggling with my mind more then ever. All of this is so new for me, and I fear the future...

I would lie if I said that I love myself, I hate myself, especialy now, more then ever. Maybe I am just another person who will make no difference on this planet. Maybe I am selfish, an asshole, an hypocrite, and a misserable person. I dont have any love for myself, I feel like I only ever take, and never give.

At the end of the day, we will never know our true purpose. The only thing we can do is go straight ahead, hoping the next stop will bring something beter into our life.

I'm sorry for this insufferable blog post...

21/09/24

22:50

I have 10 minutes left for this blog post because after 23:00 my parents will be pissed if I'm still up...

Everyday that I spend here adds to the hate that is building up inside of me, for this country, and for most of its inhabitants. Just today I was getting yelled at while biking, by a 13 year old girl?! Where the fuck do these kids get the courage to do such things, where is their respect??

Also biking here everytime reminds me how boring the Netherlands is, like a big sandbox grassland map. Where someone placed a few towns and houses randomly and just left it at that. There is nothing special here, nothing exciting... Oh how I would love to live somewhere where you can just walk of in any direction and see something new. Something beautifull, where time doesnt matter. Where I could sitdown by a lake, in the grass under trees, with my friend, overlooking beautifull scenery...

Is this too much to ask for? The thrill of being able the explore things, to wander off and forget everything... The feeling of "do now, think later." In this godforsaken place you could walk in any direction... for miles and miles. And the only thing you'll see in the distance or come accros, is randomly placed farms and ugly ass towns/houses. With the most stupid people who cant even think for themselves...

Maybe im gonna include this in my visual novel, idk if im ever gonna make one because it will probaly suck. Its a fun idea, but when I will actualy start working on it I will probaly be reminded on how nothing is as easy as it seems.

I'm gonna go to sleep now, bye.

20/09/24

11:40

Damn guys I am at school and I'm bored but cant concentrate or care enough to make my homework like I said so...

19/09/24

22:40

Welp, today was supposed to be a "finish all homework for the week" day. Well turns out I didnt really do anything lol, I promise that I will do better by making some at school tomorow... Hopefully.

When biking to school today it was very misty, took some cool pictures for tumblr! It was almost like I was surrounded by this sphere of clouds!!! Also got 2 compliments from teachers today!! One of my tshirt and one of my kandi. Super epic!!!

I also got back my love for Russian music, I remembered that Kino excisted and damn I forgot how good they are!!! This also motivated me to continue learning russian! hopefully I can learn it to a degree where I will be able to help people in the store I work at, theres alot of refugees from Ukraine and Russia there. (I know that both are different languages but they dont differ that much). Kind of ironic that I rediscoverd Russian music because like a month ago, I started going to a little Russian store again. I always buy semechki (sunflower seeds) and kvas (fermented drink).

This both really brings back a wave of nostlagia, from a time I forgot about. Im talking about spring this year, so weird it was just gone in my mind but now it has returned! I really have great memories from then, me and my bestie used to fix shit in the shack in her garden. We made a cabinet and some other shit like window sills and other things with scrapwood, we really were carpenters B). We also placed a monitor/tv in the shack and I remember that we watched some movies and series there. Damn that shit was cozy when it was raining for real... I kinda miss that shit lol, also was a great place for chilling and conversations.

Around that time we also went to that little Russian store one time, after that we went to a park and that was also really nice and fun!!!!!!

Allright I will go to sleep now yes bye!!!!!!!!!!

18/09/24

22:38

Today I was biking back from work, the sunset sky was pink, and the fog made everything look blurry. I felt like I was flying...

13:22

Overhearing these girls in class saying: "Omg he's way too good looking for her" and "Oh yeah hes way too ugly for her" about different people. Why the fuck do these people think that there are certain levels of looks and that only people from the same level should be toghether??? If the couple is happy why would you even bother saying shit like that?! Looks is not everything...

17/09/24

22:43

Hello!!! Today was not really special, I made some homework with a friend after school and im finaly getting my hopes up for this subject lol. after boring homework me and her went to a park and chilled for a bit!



Also took this really awesome picture of this house, and damn. Autumn is really getting closer, the air is crisp in the morning so thats nice. But still the weather is a bit wonky, its gonna be 20 degrees this week so yeah I hope the warm weather will stop soon.

for the first time in years I am actualy excited for autumn! I feel like this autumn will bring much good! Lets hope this gut feeling is true!!!



Love the colors of my Iphone 3g!

Also bruh I got 3 euros left for the rest of September... I really be eating too unhealthy I feel so unclean and musty I hope I wont have a heart attack lol. Well my situation is not that severe right??

Anyway I should save up money for a eletric guitar instead of spending it on temporary food, I also should start exercising again because this weight that I gained is getting to my torso and face.

Alright Im gonna sleep now bye!!

12:05

I've been working on my website at school and in class, lets hope that no one from school ever finds out about this website...

15/09/24

22:46

Hello guys... Its September 15th already, wich means that Autumn will officialy begin in 6 days. And im kinda looking foreward to it, I love it when the leaves turn orange!!!

Today I was biking and you can already tell that the weather is changing, and also the leaves get this brown tint wich hints that they will fully changec collor soon! I walked into a field and took some pictures on my iphone 3g, (there was this cool scarecrow.) And I listend to some music, idk how to explain it but the feeling and look of listening music on those old devices is just something magical! Its a whole experience.

Also I was listening to "Summer Death" by Marietta!! Wich was a good matching song with the scenery today!

You should check them out if you want, epic midwest emo!!!

Im gonna go now bye!!!!!!

14/09/24

22:38

Okay so im gonna do some story writing on this website lol. I'll get back to it but that is like the closest thing I do to a visual novel without having to learn how to make a game. Also I should start making music again... I just need my old plugins.

15:55

I like really wanna make a graphic novel or click and story game idk. learning to make games is probally dificult so I think I wont bother :( . I should get to my homework now tho...

15:06

Also I need to stop eating so much unhealthy food, makes me feel like shit and I've been gaining alot of weight. Also it takes a toll on my money for real for real...

14:03

Found a bird skull in my grandmas garden today, I buried it so that I can dig it up later and so that all the remaining flesh will rot away. Maybe I will put it in my room or make a necklace out of it, would be cool because the twins from the movie Ginger Snaps have something simular!! Also I was planning on using today to make homework but yeah... I've been decorating my room a little and well I've not yet had the time to make it.

13/09/24

22:39

I dont know what happend this summer, but I know that something changed. I dont really feel like myself, like the old me... I keep fucking dropping and breaking things, I feel so clumsy. And all the intresting things I knew, idk I just forgot them. I feel so stupid, I cant function or think properly . Idk when it began but somewhere begin summer vacation it just was there... I forgot all my memories and couldnt remember anything really, like my head was super vague... Well maybe my brain just melted because I have quite litteraly learned almost nothing this summer, this summer I dropped like all my hobbys and didnt really pick up new things... I cant put this summer in a timeline, I just cant see it clearly in my head. The only thing standing out clearly to me when thinking about this summer is me and my friends going on a vacation for a few days. The rest is just a big blur. Maybe because I didnt undertake anything new really... Not that it was not fun or anything tho.

One line from the graphic novel Katawa Shoujo really sticks with me: "The days became increasingly harder to distinguish from each other, differing only by the book I was reading and the weather outside. It felt like time blurred into some kind of gooey mass I was trapped inside, instead of moving within. A week could've passed, or just as well have been a mere matter of days." Not to sound like a loser but holy shit I've never related more to a fictional character then Hisao...

Now that I am at school again actualy learning things again, using my brain. My head kinda clears up a bit. But still, it feels like im spectating someone elses life. Like so surreal...

12/09/24

22:38

Today I heard from a friend in my class that his girlfriend told him that she was so jealous of my pants, and that she thought I had a great taste! Was really nice to hear that!!! Tbh those things make my day, also 2 girls complimented my kandi and my tshirt last week... I almost forgot, things arent always as negative as they might seem. If you enjoy those moments then life is worth living sometimes! One thing I notice is that girls seem to be a lot nicer then guys sometimes. I almost never get a compliment from my almost all-guys friend group at school... Like the only thing they tell each other are things like: "Kill yourself!" or "Faggot" etc...

Also used my Ipod for the first time at school today and I loved it, so much better then listening on phone. Now I really take the time to listen to the music. One of my teachers also couldnt believe that I even had one of these things, he said that he thought that they went extinct.

Also had a big arguement with my dad about me being up past 23:00 for like one time... I dont even wanna write down what happend lol. I just wish my room wasnt so fucking close to theirs... When they go to sleep I am also forced to go to bed. Cant have shit here, when I step into the hallway I am already in front of their bedroom door. Ironic how I was writing about this topic yesterday...

So I probaly wont be able to write as much on some days wich sucks...

(Btw I have so much music I need to listen to, my best friend recomended so much and I've also found some new band that I need to check out lol. I will get to it tho, also... Weekly music review tomorow I think!!! Bye for now!!!

11/09/24

22:51

Today my apple to usb chord finaly arived!!! Now I can put music on my Ipod yes epic, I can use it at school now im so excited! Only need to get some cool headphones and then the look is completed!

By the way you remember what I said a few days ago, that one of my friends gave me the feeling that she was obsessing over me? Well today she confessed that while having a panic attack. I tried helping her and I hope I did a good job, its just so hard for me to understand whats going on, because I've never experienced anything like it, only saw one of my friends have it one time but that was like 4 or 5 years ago... And I remember it vaguely...

Today im gonna try to explain/write down a feeling wich I havent had in forever, idk how to put it in words tho so I'll just write about the experience from my pov...



((August 2023, Summer vacation, Norway.))

"Its night, I sit in the window sill of the house were currently staying at. Its a beautifull old farmhouse, 2x as big then my house at home. I overlook the lake and can see the mountains in the distance. Its funny, in the part where I'm staying the sun doesnt set at all. Still, you can see and feel that its night time, its not like the sun stays in the sky the whole day tho. It gets a little dark, like evening dark... But it doesnt go fully dark.

Kind of nice and unique I think while listening to music on my phone, I'm listening to Flawed Mangoes and I think that his music is just beautifull. Today I went hiking with my brother and father, we hiked onto a really high mountain. It was really exhausting but worth it. Now im still resting from the intense exercising, after we went down the mountain again we went to the supermarket, I got a few lollypops and some drinks. Wich is nice because now I have something to drink and something to snack on, I dont know why but I've always associated food with coziness...

I am still hungry tho, lollypops are tasty but its not good enough to fulfill my hunger... I decide to go down stairs to get some bread. I open my door, entering the hallway leading to my bedroom, My bedroom is in the corner of the house on the top floor. Quite peacefull and isolated, I like it. I step foot into the hallway, wich is dark, the only light being emmited from a single window at the end of the hallway, a peacefull kind of light, the kind of gray lightning wich could be from the moon. I sillently slip downstairs, and make myself a sandwich.

While eating I look through the window downstairs... They didnt even bother putting up curtains here, it looks silent outside. No sign of human life. Peacefull... There is no feeling of rush here, I do miss home tho. I always have a fear of missing out on something, I am currious... Do my friends miss me? Do they think about me often? Do they even think of me at all?

I think its good that im here tho, like a break. Idk... Here it feels like im not in a hourglass, waiting for time to pass by and being suffocated by the sand... My room here is just so separated from my parents and family, I can mind my own bussines here. I can be free in the same house im sharing with them, their room is downstairs... I can do whatever!! Eating downstairs in the middle of the night... Staying up allnight on my phone!!!"

That is kind of what I wanted to write down I guess? Im gonna go tho my dad got angry with me because I am up this late and he was botherd by the light... My neck also hurts... Sleep well!! (its 23:25 already loll)

15:05

Holy fuck, just walked into art class. And this girl who has a pedophile boyfriend called me a femboy??? For wearing kandi??? Her and her boyfriend both say this, fucking dumbasses. I hate her and her friendgroup so much, self entitled "funny" and "popular". I hate gossipy people like that, they treat you like you are a baby or some kind of lower being. Obnoxious and loud fucking sad excuses for human beings... (Typing this is class lol.)

10/09/24

22:47

Today I finaly got my Ipod touch 1, very epic! It was disabled tho but my best friend fixed it for me! The thing is in great condition and honestly it was quite the steal for 20 euros. The usb cord that came with it doest work for data transfer tho so now I need to wait until a new one arrives. So I cant put any music on it yet...

I think im really gonna use the ipod for music more then my phone evantualy, the whole experience of having whole albums and appreciating the music for me makes it special and more of a enjoyable moment ig...

Also I got cases for them both!!!



On the left is my Iphone 3g and on the right is my Ipod touch 1

Also I've been listening to alot of DSBM again (If you are unfamiliar with the genre/term search it up, I promise its not BDSM lol...)
And Holy shit, I want to start a band again. Well not a band but make a DSBM project with my friend, we can both play guitar, he has an eletric and acoustic one and I have a bass and 4+ years experience in making music and using programs... I hope we can do this and really push it through, I have so many ideas already. Music is a great way to expres yourself...

I'm gonna go now tho tomorow I got work and school... I DONT WANT TO AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA. Bye!!!!!

09/09/24

22:43

Today was the first day of school were I had to get up like really early... When I bike to school I can really tell that Autumn is coming, there is this crisp in the air and some leaves are already changing colors and falling to the ground.

Also got a gift from my really good friend! She gave me these 2 owl statues!!! Really sweet of her, everyone who knows me good, knows how much I love owls... Also the gifts I value the most are the ones that come unexpected, it just adds a bit more to the sentimental feeling.



I LOVE THEMMM!!!!

She has been really sweet and kind to me lately, but it gets to a point where it kinda weirds me out a bit... Like its seems as if shes obsessed with me or something, when I text her she reacts within like seconds. Not that I dont like people responding fast, but its like shes waiting for me to send her something for like the whole day. I know that she has OCD and that she has obsesed over people in the past, but I hope shes not obsessing over me or something. Like she keeps asking to hangout, but shes the kind of person I dont really want to hangout with weekly, and she keeps asking if I've ever had a girlfriend and stuff like that.

I dont wanna sound like a dick tho, shes still a really good friend of mine and I appreciate her effort and pressence!

(I got her listening to DSBM now lol, idk how. She really liked the song I put in my instagram notes somehow.)

08/09/24

22:42

Yesterday I went to the hardcore metal festival, but like only the last part. Still was really fun!! It was a shame that I couldnt really go moshing tho, went in the pit for 5 secondes and my watch almost fell off my wrist lol.

Also went outside in the middle of the night with my best friend because I was sleeping over at her house. And holy shit I missed that shit, previous summers I used to sneak/go out in the night with friends. We just walked or biked to random locations and that was like the most fun part of summer, I have really great memories of that. Its just that when its night, and you're outside... You feel like nothing matters, I feel free, and its also nice to have deep talk or just talk to the person/people you're with when doing this.

This is the last sleepover for a while tho, with school and all... Its sad because sleeping over was such a fun thing to do in this summer. I dont want to go to school, But its nice that we did this on the last sleepover of summer! I'll post some pictures I took below!

Our bikes and my friend in the in the dark...



This location was really cool, sadly I couldnt get it on camera that good...

07/09/24

09:43

Today I'm going to a metal hardcore festival, for some reason my wrist is always hurting before going to these things lol so I wont go moshing probably. Not that hardcore show pits are something for me, I dont like eating kicks from 50 year old overweight sweaty dudes...

Also I got this feeling yesterday wich I havent felt for years. I was making some pictures with the iphone, and I stumbled upon this grassland surounded by a cornfields and some sunflower pacthes. It was gray weather (my favorite) and well. I got this feeling that time didnt matter or something, I could just leave my bike there and walk into the grassland. And just keep walking, there was something to explore. Idk how to explain tbh...

06/09/24

22:37

Hii guys I got a Iphone 3g from my best friend today and holy shit its super epic, very kind of her!!! We now both have a iphone 3g!!! I already made some pictures, I posted them here. Ihope we can go outside toghether soon and make some pics.

I now have 2 cameras I can use wich is epic, my old digital camera has more of a cold filter/look and my iphone has a more warm filter/look. So now I can choose! I think it will be kind of hard tho, because what if I just wanna use both???? Anyway I ordered a charger and a case for it, but the case is still not send by the seller (I also accidentaly broke my friends case wich I feel guilty about :(, oopsies.) Overal the iphone 3g is just bettet then modern phones in my opinion, like the feel in the hand is better and its simpler, people actualy appreciated what they had back in that day and age. Something that has been long gone in todays society...

I wanted to write more lol but I cant remember what I wanted to tell you guys, I'll leave it at this. Byeee

05/09/24

22:49

I'm learning Russian again, mostly for fun. But also so I can insult people on CSGO... Wich I've started playing again today kinda, forgot how toxic and stress inducing that game was tho. But I'm still always hooked on it for some reasons, even after almost breaking my desk and destroying 2 keyboards...

Tomorow I go to the barber, I am not going get a short haircute tho. Looking back it did not really look that great... I'm hoping I can get it shorter but not too short, and I hope it will keep the 2000's look. (Atleast, if it even looked like 2000's hair.) Its hard to find a hairstyle that I think looks good on me, because I'm always very harsh on my self when looking at my looks. Its like never good enough for myself, kinda sucks tho because a lack of confidence is not good to live with. Its not that I'm insecure about my whole body, but mostly just my hair, face, neck, just my whole head/upper area.

04/09/24

22:46

Second day of school... arived sweaty, someone made a comment about my Kandi... I told him to shut the fuck up.

The activity that we had today ended early for me, me and my really good friend from school already finished the assignment we were told to do last year. So we went into the city and just enjoyed entering random stores and looking through them, it was nice hanging out with her.

I havent even know her for that long, and we dont hangout that often but we still got this really strong connection, something I only have with 2 people. Her, and my best friend. The only people that I can talk with about serious things, people who I actually enjoy being around, people that think like me. Those kind of people are unreplaceable, they are one of a kind. I would do anything for them, and I hope they stay in my life forever. I hope they think the same of me.

Funny thing is that they're both girls and that they have many things in common!!!

This also reminds me of something sad, my dad had a best friend. Also a person that was unreplaceable and one of a kind. It was a really kind man, I have good memories of him. He was really talented, and I have a drawing of him that he made for me back in 2013 above my bed. Sadly he went to get brain surgery, and it did not go well. His brain was damaged and now he cant live on his own, he lost himself on that day. He cant think brightly and is a bit handicaped. That day my dad lost his best friend and he never got one again, wich I think is really sad for him...

Its sad how someones life can change in a matter of seconds, sorry for the sad story lol. Im gonna go now, bye!

03/09/24

23:08

First day of school, was kinda boring... Just some outdoor activities, nothing special.

When I was biking back from my best friends house, I saw something in my headlights appearing. It was in the middle of a field, but it turned out to be a owl!!! It sat there for 10 seconds and then it flew off, I was in awe... It just amazed me on how close I was to him and how he stayed still for such a long time. These are moments I often forget exist, I sometimes forget small things like this are worth appreciating... I fucking love owls, they're my favorite animal.

Also I am going to get a haircut soon, my hair now is way too thick and long for it to be comfortable for me. And I need a new watch...

I know I dont always know things or get them right, but I'm not stupid right? Right? A fear that has been affecting me since forever... Maybe I'm too caught up in my head that I dont explain things to people enough, I already know what im gonna say. So I already understand, so my brain just assumes that the other person understands. But then later, I look back on the conversation. And I think to myself... What the fuck was I doing, what the fuck?

02/09/24

23:08

At the begining of this day I was so full of hate and anger, but now... I feel calm and, happy?! Anyway I'm gonna get a piece of cheese because I didnt eat dinner, and then I go slep yes. Love you guys ♡♡♡ byeee!!

22:24

Its raining, finaly.

Summer vacation is coming to an end... Time went by so fast, now I realize that I didnt even take the time to enjoy the feeling of having no school. I didnt because I was living in the future or past, and not in the moment. Its stupid because this was exactly what I expected, that I would regret all this overthinking and worrying. It got me nowhere, I knew that already. But its just so hard te actualy stop it, like a voice in your head encouraging you to continue and to not listen to your gut feeling. Its just weird, I am leaving the vacation more tired then when I entered it. I dont want this to be a negative blogpost tho. I hope I will learn from this mistake, and summer was still alot of fun. This summer was really good for the development of my personality and myself. I've changed for the better on some aspects of me I think!!!

Tomorow is the first day of school, its just a sports activity day tho (I dont wanna go). But I did miss school kinda, atleast I have something to do when I'm bored. But I know myself well enough, I am gonna regret thinking this/having this feeling the first day we get homework lol :) .

I am curious if there are any new people in my class, I hope someone cool or someone who matches me...

Also began reading katawa shoujo, I didnt realize how good visual novels were until today really. I've always loved reading as a kid, its something I want to do more often. And this is perfect, to make your own choices is really something magical!

Also made some progres on the website today!!!!

13:27

I already love this game damn so good!!!

12:46

Made grilled cheese, now I play katawa shoujo!!

01/09/24

22:39

Havent been able to make pictures recently even though I want to, its just that I dont go to alot of new places right now. Everything that is worth photographing, I've already made pictures of. The netherlands is just soooooo boring. When I look at the sky, in my town, I see nothing but sky... When I look at the distance in the grasslands here, I see nothing but ugly buildings placed in a big grass patch for miles and miles. We dont have the pretty kind of grasslands here, not those beautifull grassland where all you can see is grass. its flat, with here and there a man planted tree. I just wish I could life in scandinavia or the pacific northwest, being able to discover new things, the thrill of a big forest and the beauty of nature. Everything is the same here in this tainted shithole.

Germany is so much beter, people here suck (have I mentioned before :/ ?) There's almost no sense of community here, if people dont know you they dont care about you, the same goes for when you're different. I fucking hate the modern age, people changed. Respect for each other is gone, and I can feel it with the new generation of kids... Almost everyone here is a wannabe gangster, for what???

I can get along with most people of different sub cultures, even tough we may differ alot. but only because I know what to say, not because I like them. Like at work, there are all these normie white boys, and im chill with them even tough my intrests and clothing style is something they would consider weird. But this is only because as I said, I know what to say. It feels like im wearing a mask when with these people lol, like that is not the real me they're interacting with. I just tend to do that out of fear from being judged, or being left out. Idk it sound pretty stupid now that I wrote it down, I'm working on this tho. I've got a long way to go but I feel more like myself now????????

13:22

I have to go to work but I dont want toooooooooooo, it fucking sucks that everything is so far away from where I life.

It sucks because lets say I have to work 3 hours, then theres also 2 additional hours just spend biking back and forth. The same goes for when I want to go to school or friends, almost everyone I know lives in the city. So nobody really bothers to come over at my place, wich I understand. Its 22 KM back and forth, If I was them I also wouldnt bike it for fun. But I've been doing this for the past 6 years so I just got used to it.

I also need to cancel my Kickboxing membership, something that has been gnawing in the back of my head. I hope I dont forget anything I've learned tho...

I also updated the site a little, I like where it is going but it is not even close to being finished.

I really need to go get ready for work now, I hope the wind isnt facing the opposite direction of where I need to go...