Blog archive 08/2024

31/08/24

23:01

Was biking back from my best friends house and saw this pink/orange orb floating through the air, close enough to the ground to not be a plane, too far from the ground to be a car. it either was a flare gun or it were fucking aliens...

Also, when im biking back theres always this spot from acros the canal im biking past where youth tends to hang and start fires. Always when im going home they are there. My fucking anxiety gets so bad that I turn of all my bike lights and try to pass them as silently as possible. I fucking hate them, I wish they would all just die, I wouldnt care if they all died. The world would be a better place if people like them wouldnt exist... Rude, dumb and wannabe gangster type people... they're not good for anything, and I know this makes me seem like a bad person. But I hope they all suffer in hell, judging people who are different from them, bigoted fucking assholes. All of them, the respect in todays youth is mostly gone. And I hate almost all of them for it...

30/08/24

22:41

Hey guys, working on the website today went alot better luckily! Finally fixed the sidebar issue!!! I also bought a Ipod touch 1 because this school year there is a new rule where you cant have any phones in school, only in the breaks. So a Ipod is ideal, I still want to be able to listen to music in school! I hope I can get some cool headphones and a case for it aswell. My best friend has these headphones that look really cool, kinda vintage-like.

Today my parents were kinda anoying tho, kept barging in my room and well my mother tends to just fucking do this 10 times a day. And everytime she just walks in an looks at what im doing on to computer screen, like no warning. and im trying to keep this website a secret for irl's, except my best friend. But yeah I have this feeling my parents somehow know that I have a website?? Idk how but if they really found out about it then they dont deserve an honest answer when they ask "so how's the html going" or "why are you looking at a view counter, do you have a website?" because if they know they figured it out by probably sticking their nose in things that arent their business.

I always have this double feeling when writing on my blog lol, I dont want anyone irl knowing the things I write on here because its very personal and private. And yet here I am putting it on the internet to see for complete strangers, it also feels kinda cringe to write my feelings here. Like I dont want people to think that I am trying to get attention or something. This is my blog, my unfilterd thoughts and feelings, here I can share them without being judged.

29/08/24

22:46

Working on the website sucked today, my motivation is gone lol. And it made my fucking head hurt so much bruhhh...

20:03

I guess that today is a day of short, frequent blog posts he-he! I am bored out of my mind lol, also tired. I saw this post on Tumblr where someone said that she would have an existential crisis in the summer, but that as soon as Autumn would start coming in, that that crisis would go away. I hope its the same for me. The way I've felt all summer does kinda match the descriptions of an existential crisis. I've never felt this way before in summer, only in winter and autumn...

19:12

I am so sad, I threw away all my old tshirts a month ago but now I want to make dolls, but I have nothing to use :( .

17:49

This whole day has been a pain in the ass why cant anything go smoothly? Why cant things just work simply? My head fucking hurts. I've been busy the whole day but still havent achieved anything.

14:13

And now my precious speakers are stuck at 100% volume while not responding to my audio mixer... yipeeee!!!

12:42

FOR THE PAST 3 HOURS I HAVE BEEN TRYING TO ADD A SIDEBAR TO MY WEBSITE... BUT IT KEEPS PUSHING THE MAIN DIV OFF CENTER AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA.

28/08/24

23:12

Hey guys my head really fucking hurts and im fucking tired but I'll write some shit quick!!!

Last 3 days I was sleeping over at my best friends house yes very nice, we watched movies played gta5 and just chilled. I watched Lily Chou Chou for the first time! Really beautifull movie but kind of vague for a first time watcher... Also went to Coraline in the cinema for the movies 15th anniversary! I really really like the vibe of the movie so hopefully its a insperation for my site theme... Also wanna inplement some Twin peaks aesthics or something because its also a good show (just started watching with my friend.)



watching Lily Chou Chou!

When at the cinema I also saw 2 girls with really good clothing style!! I wish I knew more people like that. Maybe then me and my best friend could form our little friend group with same minded and clothingstyled people! I think it would be nice for her to have some more friends. I hope I meet some new people who I can introduce to her.



At the cinema!

Yesterday I aslo sat down somewhere in the forest, just to think some shit what happend over... And for the first time in like half a year I felt like I took the time to sit down, and forgetting the rush of life... I will write about this another time tho. Gotta edit the pictures for this blog post and then I'm going to sleep!! BYEEEEEEE....

26/08/24

09:51

Just put my mom onto Paramore LOL!!! She really liked them!!!

25/08/24

22:43

I am kinda excited for autumn this year, because I have a feeling that this year I will not be feeling down in the season! But at the same time, I am not craving biking in the rain again lol.

I love rain, dont get me wrong (my favorite type of weather is a rainy summer day, the green trees against the dark grey sky is beautifull.) But when im riding on my bike I dont really appreciate it... When im all cozy inside tho, then I dont really mind :p !!! I just hope that school will be going well and that I make a good start at the begining of the school year. I hope I will use my agenda so I wont stress about forgetting homework lol! I hope that I will still be able to hang out with friends often and maybe even have a few sleepovers outside of the vacations!!! And I also hope that my friends will be doing good, and even better then now! that would really make me happy.

00:45

Just watched inside out 2 with my friend and damn its such a weird concept... Like damn bro, maybe there really are little people in my head controling my emotions. That would be so funny. The movie does such a good job at showing the emotions and their impact and I kinda like that!!! Alr I am going to sleep soon now, so I'll leave it at this. Tomorow I got work, and also I need to go to my grandma to work in her garden forced because somehow I forgot that I made that promise to her 3 weeks ago, but its okay my friend is coming with me so he'll earn some money too!

24/08/24

20:21

Its finaly raining and cooling down a bit!!! Also my good friend is sleeping over here tonight but sadly I need to work tomorow lol...

15:01

Just spend like 3 hours reworking a little guitar project I made a while ago, it turned out a bit better. Only real improvment I made is that I am learning how to play on beat now. But it still sounds ass in my opinion. Maybe I should save up for an eleteric guitar. Because when recorded my acoustic guitar just sounds empty kinda.

23/08/24

22:46

Everyday I stray further away from the idea that there is a god, I know that I was pretty confident in the post I made a week or so ago. But I cant stand the idea that every non believer should burn in hell for all eternity with no way out... Its just so unfair, thats why I am kinda stopping to believe in christianity.

Idk where I read this but there was this theory that said that the human race was actualy a virus. And that we were never even meant to exist. I kinda like that one because, to be fair. The existence of the human race is probaly one of the worst things that ever happend to this earth. so many people are full of shit and I only know a hand full of people that I think deserve to be on this world...

I dont even know if I would deserve to be on this planet sometimes, I try my best to be a good person most of the time. Its hard but I am still making progress I guess... Thats why I am always kinda afraid that I am a annoying, rude or bad person. I guess that I always search for Reinsurance on if people still like me or even liked me at all.

Its so weird that every person I've ever met has made a judgement of me, ofcourse, its human. But I am always curious about what they think, or thought about me. Everytime I hear that someone has said something about me (mostly when its something negative). I am reminded of that, I just want to be a good person.

Okayy sorry after that little rant I also got something fun!!! Just some pictures from the sleepover at my best friends house!

Me and her stitching some patches on our hoodies^^^



5 am chickem nuggets... mhmhmhmhmhhm...^^^

21/08/24

12:17

Its just so weird to me that your basically one decision away from discovering whats after death... Like we tend to over complicate death so much, but after all its just really simple. #JustThinking.

9:45

I want to start making music again in Fl studio but then I need to try to find all the good plugins again because I have a new laptop now lol, really should do that soon tho I've been too lazy.

20/08/24

23:20

Heya, normaly on this day I would've been going to Kickboxing but today I didnt. It has been almost 4 weeks now since I last went, I guess??? Anyway I would normaly go with a friend of mine but he has been on vacation for 3 weeks so yeah. I dont want to go kickboxing alone, I dont want it to be akward, and besides that. The people there are totally different then I in a way... They are like these "Hard" stereotypical people and I'm like, "Sensitive" I guess? Anyway, I've never really enjoyed kickboxing that much.

I mean it was fun but one of the main reasons why I even started was just because I wanted to be able to protect myself and the people I care about. I mean when I get into a situation where me or friends are being threatened, I dont want to be powerless.

And also, I dont know why put you get alot more respect from people if they know you are doing martial arts. Atleast in my experience, I know it sound stupid but well if people know you do fighting they wont see you as an easy target I guess. Wich is stupid respect should not be earned that way but yeah its one of the benefits I've encounterd, especially in the Netherlands.

It did learn me how to fight properly ofcourse... Kickboxing made me realize how bad untrained people actualy are at fighting and how most boys and men have wayyyyy too much confidence when it comes to combat. Its much more then just swaying your arms randomly. (Wich I see alot of people do...)

If you're trained you know how to use your weight and momentum to your advantage, if you know how to use your weight for power in a strike. You can turn a punch or kick into a fatal blast instantly... We know the weakspots of people, for example. At kickboxing we learn where your organ of balance is located, one punch on that spot and your opponent isnt waking up for a few minutes.

I guess I'll quit soon tho I've learned the basics and I dont like the pressure of having to go... (By the way I also went out to eat with my parents today, we had a really good conversation and I finaly told them that I wanted a psychologist. Their response was not bad like I excpected, they said if I wanted one, that then I should get one! And also I apparently already had a psychologist in the past lol.)

Im gonna go now tho, sorry for the rant about Kickboxing haha Bye!!!!!!!!

13:23

I've accidentaly started to bite my nails again oopsies...

19/08/24

23:10

Hi guys, I wanted to write alot today but I just got home and my parents are already in bed so I cant :( . I was sleeping over at my best friends house today, summers ending so I hope we can still have some sleepovers before I go to school again. I guess that I'll talk to my parents tomorow about it. Like how much they care that I'm away so much... I have been spending more time at her house then at my own, not that that is a bad thing in my eyes. At home I dont have anything to do really, and spending time with her is always fun! At home im always in my room, so hopefully my parents wont care too much. Maybe I can sleepover at her house on Wednesday again!

(I also need to get a psychologist lol)

Im gonna go now they probaly will get mad if I stay up any longer, Byeeee!

18/08/2024

11:05

Just found out that my parents used to listen to Avril Lavinge when they were younger!!! Maybe they are not so boring after all, they used to have alot of cd's. Also a note to self... I need to work on a archive for my blog posts. For easy acces!

17/08/2024

22:37

Hello!! Today was fun, it was my grandma's birthday so we went to the town where she grew up. It was a nice area with a nice forest! I also took my camera with me so I made like alot of pictures! Some are on my Tumblr! I forget everytime how much I enjoy just exploring a area while walking, listening to music and making pictures with my camera. I enjoy those moments.



picture of me in the woods...

The area and the town were so much better then where im living now. There were also no nike tech or other annoying types of people wich is nice. I fucking hate that about the part where I live...

We then went to a restaurant where they served pancakes. I got this really yummy and big one!!!



I also have been looking for new clothing recently. Because apparently what im wearing now looks like older brother core, and I dont want to be associated with that kind of people lol... I thought I had my own mixed and unique style. Turns out not tho bruhh!!! Idk what kind of style I want now tho, I also dont want to do a complete style switchup. I still like some stuff I wear now but I want to express myself more I guess...

I am probaly just gonna mix some styles with each other like Emo, Scene, Mallgoth, Skater and Grunge. Idk probaly just gonna wear things I like, not gonna put a label on everything... My best friend also messed around with my hair a little bit and it turned out quite nice!! It was a bit more rough and it looked really nice... So I also want to look into a new hairstyle... probaly gonna go to the barber soon tho so at first I might choose my old hairstyle one more time. Until I've found something new! Only thing is that my hair is straight and thick so I dont have much options because its so heavy... I fucking hate my hair for it lol.

Im gonna go now tho so bye!!!! (I accidentally deleted my update post on neocities lol so there is no notification on the activity page lol)

16/08/2024

19:10

Why does it feel like my parents are constantly searching for something that I did wrong??? Just now my mother complained that I've been gaming all day (wich isnt true). In response I showed her a tshirt on wich I patched a hole (im so proud of my self!) And instead of saying something nice her first response was when did you get this tshirt. And I told her that is had been laying around for sometime. Well apperantly 2 week isnt "some time" for her. She was directly like "you bought this recently didnt you?" All worked up over nothing and yeah fucking bullshit!!!!!!!!!!!!!

After that she did say that it was good that I fixed the tshirt but it was too late, I was already agitated...

I just want to get out of this fucking town, fuck everyone here. I love my parents but when they we're on vacation I like didnt really miss them. I guess that they just need to let me go more. Im almost 18...

12:57

I have so many things that I need to do for my website, funny how I thought that I would run out of things...

Also I found this poem thingy on tumblr and its just so beautifull!

15/08/2024

22:57

Hello again, I havent writen anything the last 2 days. I was sleeping over at my best friends house. It was fun but also the weather was so fucking humid and warm, especially on the first day.

On the first day I first went to the mall with my other really good friend. We went to a eletronic store to buy a new memory card for my camera! We then went to get a milkshake and we sat down. Something I havent done in a long time, it was nice spending time with him. We spend way more time in the past then we do now but he still remained a really good friend, we kinda split ways because of our different intrests.

But now that he has stopped smoking weed, its much more fun to hangout with him. I know that we will probably not be as close as in the past but I hope that we will continue to be friends. It also helps that my best friend is actualy his sister so when I hangout with her I also get to see him!



In the rest of the time I played GTA5, worked on my website, and also watched some videos with my best friend! We've been watching some true crime content and some other internet dive type of videos. Wich is fun because I used to watch that kind of shit almost everyday, I hope we can do that more often! We also did many other things but I am tired and I think my parents are gonna barge into my room to tell me to go to sleep any second now so yeah Im gonna leave it at this for now. Sorry!!!

13/08/2024

11:48

Welp just had another argument with my parents, not that it suprises me. Its been happening almost everyday lol. And everytime they accuse me of taking on a victim role... like, im just here defending myself bro what the fuck. Everytime they say that I think to myself maybe I am the problem... Maybe I am the reason we are arguing so much...

But THEY were the people that once accused me of drinking alchol in the bathroom... THEY were the people who didnt believe me when I sweared on my life that I didnt drink any alchol. THEY were the people that only believed me when I broke down crying...

12/08/2024

22:33

Hii, today I had work but its was not intresting. Yesterday I also had work but it was more intresting. So I came across this girl who needed help with the bottle deposit machine, she was my age I think. And she was really nice and polite and she also had a nice clothing style!! Idk why or how but with some random people I feel like I have a kind of, "connection". And I felt that with her. I could feel that she was my type I guess, like I could see me and her in a relationship... This probaly sound kinda weird tho lol...

I really wanted to compliment her tshirt, it was a really cool pokemon tshirt, (her hair was cool too btw!!!) But I was too scared, I know its stupid but yeah. I've never really had any confidence or experience on these grounds. I've been single all my life and only had one experience where I thought someone loved my and that I loved that person too, but yeah that was a really bad bad bad experience I dont even want to write about it.

Sometimes friends taunt me for being single or not having any experience, but their the kind of guys that say that a girl needs to have a fat ass or big boobs to be their girlfriend. I dont really care tbh, as long as we love each other and we have a good connection it doesnt matter in my eyes. But yeah their taunting doesnt really help me, I mean im almost 18 so it kinda feels like time is running out.

I know it sounds stupid but yeah if everyone around you is dating, and your not. It kinda feels like your missing out on something, that doesnt really give you any confidence. Like what am I doing wrong. (Not that im that desperate). I prefer meeting someone by coincidence, like destined to be. And not by aproaching someone with the only intent being to get in a relationship.

Not trying to sound like an incel tho haha atleast I hope im not... dont get me wrong here okay, im not some desperate creature that swears that women need to love me lol. I guess I'll see how it wil go im not focusing on love that much anyway, just wanted to share how I feel about this!



Bye for now I wanted to write more but I will do this another day!

10/08/2024

22:47

Hii, today was not really intresting...

I played some Magic the gathering with some friends wich I havent done in a long long time... It was fun to play again I guess, but yeah one of the guys had a deck that was worth like 350 euros. And it was not really fun to play against, it just feels like pay to win sorta. But hanging out was fun!



And I also played gta5 with my best friend.

Well that was it for today, byee!!

12:16

Also the reason why I love Norway so much is because the people are so much more respectfull, more respect for each other and more respect for nature. And the landscape as I said is literaly my favorite... just wanted to add that!

12:03

I dont have much to say rn but I wanted to share a picture of my vacation from last year.

(this is the only picture I have of this location sadly)

Its been long since I posted a photo on this blog damn, should do it more often...

But well this picture was taken in norway, and this house where we were stayin at was fucking epic. It was an old farmhouse, on a little island or something. But the room that I had in that house was super nice, it was in the corner of the house and the view from up there was so beautifull...

You could see the large sea and the mountain range, and also the sunset was really nice (we were in the north of norway and the sun never goes down there, so basicly its sunset the whole night). My favorite part was that the area was really quiet, and that I could sit out my window. There was something so peacefull about just listening to music and sitting on the windowstill and just overlooking this landscape. When im in norway my mind is at peace and I love it there, it would be more fun with friends tho. I could tell allot more about this vacation but I'll leave it at this for now.

I might actually go to norway again with my parents next year but I still need to think about it...

08:19

damn august passing by so fast its the 10th already, I just woke up but I am tired because idk. Most of the time I need to get up early so I cant really catch up with the lost sleep from when I stayed up until 4 in the morning. Also I have things planned almost everyday so yeah I am not really able to sit down and relax some days when I have work.

09/08/2024

22:51

(I have a feeling that this is going to be a long blog post)

This summer has been weird, for some reason its totaly different from what I expected. Not that I expected a lot or something. Dont get me wrong its not like summer hasnt been fun or anything, but this consciousness of time passing by has made it really weird. Its that it feels like I've lost this passion or spark for life, for a fun and nice feeling there is always a wrong or unpleasant feeling thats 10x stronger. Or so it feels...

You know how adults will tell you that when your older time will pass by faster because there are less things new in life? I guess that thats kinda what im feeling, idk. I dont want to get older, I have the feeling it wont get better. getting older only comes with more responsibilities, just living by rules some stupid dorks made up for you to follow. I just want to stay 17, 17 forever.

Sometimes I want to live in an aesthetic. I just want to start my life over, in another place. In a cozy town, in a valley surrounded by pinewoods, hills and other nature. With a small but close friendgroup (with me, my bestie and some other people idk). A place where my best friend wont be scared to go outside, a place where I can stop worrying and overthinking. A place where we can be ourselves.

The netherland fucking suck, especially the people. Like I know that its best to ignore other peoples opinions, but its hard. Like I am begining to dress more and more like myself, wich is nice. But this also comes with a price, there are and will be people that will mock you, insult you and just hate you for it. Like if those people did not exist I would just wear black nail polish because I think it would be epic, but its not really accepted here. Maybe someday I'll feel comfortable enough but not know. Im still working on it.

And also the landscape is so boring here, everything is flat and grassland. I hope I can go on a vacation to the Veluwe again in autumn with my best friend. We went there this summer and it was really nice. just so much more things like hills and pinewood trees! I also hope that one day I can show her how beautifull norway is. Im gonna go to sleep for now its 23:20 already, cya!!!

08:55

Just woke up and the weather is nice its rainy and gray epic!!! Just gonna work on my website and then go to the city today.

08/08/2024

22:58

heyaa so yeah I dont really have to say anything, except for that I am craving autumn. Idk why but I keep seeing these moodboards on tumblr about autumn and they look so nice and cozy.

Bu now that I think of it last autumn was a bit of a weird and depressing time for me, I started to think about what would happen after death. And it made me scared and think about this all day everyday for the rest of that year. This eventually led me to believing in god, I still do. But I am not foccusing on it that much, I dont really see myself as a christian tho. Im more of a, what they would call a "luke-warm". Idk why but I feel cringe telling people that I believe in god, maybe because christianity is associated with hate so much because of certain people. Wich I can understand, many christians are hateful towards progresive toughts and movements like the LGBTQ.

And this is weird, the new testament never really directly mentions that being gay or transgender is bad. and also the whole bible is about loving people, caring for one another, accepting other people no matter what. "You shall love your neighbor as yourself. There is no other commandment greater than these." ~ Mark 12:31. This is a piece of the bible, there are many other quotes like this. And yet these people claiming to be "real" christians go around spreading hate. I believe loving yourself and others is the greatest way to thank god for your life, and I think everybody should be themselves! love everyone equaly and accept everyone for their faith even if it is different, we all deserve respect!

12:31

Im so fucking happy holy fucking shit I recoverd all my photos my dad helped me get them back. Some are a bit fucked tho but I dont care I got most of them back I think so its great!!!!!!! So i'll write about the sleepover tonight or something yes.

08:13

bruh now my grandma is mad at me, I was supposed to be working in her garden this morning but I tought at 10 an she tought at 8. I cant fucking do this she always gets on my nerves I dont even want to go anymore this fucking bullshit everytime and now my parents are also going to be mad, I know it already.

07:41

Hi, sorry for the ranting session yesterday, but this is my blog and it reflects my feelings so yeah uhm... And actually I wanted to write about something fun yesterday: About the sleepover I've had but yeah the photos I wanted to post are also gone, so I dont have any motivation for doing that anymore...

Its just I cant explain how much those photos meant to me and how stupid I feel, like if I would've just backed them up a day before this then it wouldnt be such a problem. This feeling is eating me up from inside, couldnt really sleep either so yeah thats great...

I need to go to my grandmas place at 10:00, Ill look after im done there. But I hope my dad can help me recover the files, I dont know if I am going to use the same ssd reader tho. Probaly gonna buy a new one if its not too expensive...

So bye for now.

07/08/2024

23:12

I just fucking hope I can recover the photos idk how tough. Im gonna go to sleep hopefully now. Ill look tomorow...

22:56

OH MY FCUKING GOD I JUST MADE THE FUCKING WORST MISTAKE OF MY FUCKING LIFE. I FUCKING TRIED TO VIEW MY FUCKING PHOTOS ON MY DIGITAL CAMERA THROUGH AN SSD CARD READER BUT THAT THING HAS BEEN GLITCHING FOR SOMETIME NOW, BUT JUST NOW WHEN I TRIED FUCKING VIEWING MY PHOTOS FROM PAST DAYS. IT FUCKING LAGED AND THEN JUST SAID IT WAS CORRUPTED. MY WHOLE FUCKING SUMMER WAS ON THAT CAMERA, EVERYTHING IVE FUCKING WORKED ON THE LAST 2 MONTHS IS GONE EXCEPT SOME PHOTOS I POSTED SOMEWHERE. I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO THIS IS LIKE 500 PHOTOSS JUST GONE IN FUCKING SECONDS I FEEL SO FUCKING STUPID, NEVER MADE A BACKUP I KNEW THIS WOULD HAPPEN OH MY FUCKING GOD.

THE WHOLE REASON I FUCKING USED THE CAMERA WAS PARTIALY BECAUSE OF MY MEMORY JUST GETTING WORSE AND WORSE BECAUSE OF MY VITAMINE DEFICIENCY WICH IS DOWN LIKE 80% COMPARED TO "NORMAL" PEOPLE. I MADE PICTURE'S BECAUSE I WAS SCARED THAT I'DD FORGET THOSE MOMENTSIF IF I DIDNT CAPTURE IT THROUGH A PHOTO SO THIS IS LIKE SO MANY MEMORIES GONE, JUST FUCKING DELETED I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO. LIKE THE WHOLE SUMMER IS JUST A BLUR FOR ME BECAUSE I CANT REMEMBER SHIT BECAUSE OF THAT DEFICIENCY, THIS HAS BEEN GOING ON FOR SO LONG. I CANT HEAR PEOPLE SO I NEED TO ASK THEM TO REPEAT WHAT THEYH SAID EVERYTIME, I CANT REMEMBER SHIT NOT EVEN SIMPLE THINGS I USED TO KNOW FOR ALL MY LIFE IT MAKES ME FEEL SO FUCKING STUPID AND HOPELESS AND NOW THIS, I SERIOUSLY DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO FUCK FUCK FCKKK.

06/08/2024

11:35

So yeah just spend like a hour arguing with my dad about work, and after that told me I needed to sort out the things that are gonna change when im turning 18. I fucking hate that shit, only more responsibilities in my life. I know it sounds lazy but since they've been back I already have had 3 arguments bruh. Also my mom walked away really mad because I made a joke, but she interpreted it very wrong. So yeah very nice that they are back, when they were gone I really didnt miss THIS.

They said they think I complain too much about having work and having no time, they got mad I slept until 10:00. I cant even make this shit up, I know I dont like working but I am certainly not complaining about it all day. there's allot of more reason I wont write down because it would just be to difficult to put in words. But yeah this is also the reason I dont really talk to my parents about personal shit. Because things like this happen all the time so it feels like I cant trust them and that they dont trust me. But yeah this is fucked I cant really tell them either its probally gonna end up in a huge argument. I dont try to present myself miserable and im also not complaining about everything so I dont understand.

10:18

Haii ^_^

Just woke up and Ive been listening to Park Jefferson their like really cool and awesome so maybe you should check them out! Im going to work on my website a little or do some heist preps in gta before biking to my best friends house. I'll be sleeping there so I dont know if I can make a update for today.

Byee.

05/08/2024

23:00

technically, I already wrote a blog post today lol... nothing much happend today, my parents came home and I had work. and also I'll be having a sleep over with my friends tommorow wich im looking foreward to, im going now tho I have the feeling my parents are gonna yell at me to put out the light at any second now. Bye!

04:04

Heyy, im not gonna write alot today. Its late again, but I had a really good conversation with my best friend today so that was very nice.

I need to remember myself to look into getting a psychologist, idk when its kinda a big step for me. Cant really explain why to myself either so I wont bother, me and her also talked about it wich really gave me an insight and I am so thankfull for her advice. Its nice to have someone with who I can talk about such things, I dont have anyone else really. but yeah I need to promise myself I will look into it eventualy, its not that I dont want to. But its hard for me.

But yeah now im really tired and tomorow I have work, and my parents are coming home so I need to clean up the whole house. Also my mom was mad at me over text because I came home like 7 minutes late, dont know why it bothered her that much. So hopefully when they come back they wont be too mad at me.

Annd also I hope to be sleeping over at my best friend tomorow, hopefully my parents wont be saying that I cant just because they just came back lol. That was it for today byeeee!!!

04/08/2024

03:55

Damn... these posts just keep on getting later, ive been staying up longer and longer. Not sure if thats good for me.

But anyway, today was not really intresting. I was really tired and still am, even more then before... I hope I can get some good rest tonight. Today I played games with my friend and had work, I found out that I will be getting payed like 300 euros at the next payout term. So that is kinda nice because i've been spending way more time working then usual, but still I prefer spending my time on things I actualy enjoy and not on work. Even if it pays me.

Instead of working I'd rather hang out with my best friend. because time is like unreplacable, I think time is worth way more then money. Because time is something you'll never get back, Kind of weird. This is also something I've been thinking about all summer and its giving me a bad feeling. Its just weird, the concept of time passing by. There is nothing you can do about it, so on the other hand I just think: "If you cant change it why would you worry about it?" but I also dont like feeling powerless. Its just weird to me that time can go by fast or slow even if its the same amount of time going by. It just depends on what you're doing. This causes me to be scared about the summer vacation passing by too fast and me not being able to do enough fun things, wich is stupid. I've been having alot of fun spending time with my best friend and we've been doing alot of stuff! And I also have like a month of vacation left.

But still I cant soothe my own mind, it feels like there are 2 people in my head constantly arguing. And that I am just spectating, it makes me feel so powerless. It just goes on and on and the overthinking does not stop. (This also goes for many other topics, not only about the summer). But yeah it has been getting a bit better lately, I know that I wil regret it later on if I spend my whole vacation worrying about something stupid out of my control. So im hoping that it will pass by eventualy.

Sorry for the long rant, but writing this down and knowing maybe someone will read it gives me a feeling. Like im not dealing with this alone, it also causes me to tiddy up my mind a bit. I hope its not anoying for you, the reader. I hope you like reading this idk I just hope im not talking to my self here.

Byeeeeee.

03/08/2024

03:24

Yesterday was fun!!! Woke up kinda late and went to the city to meet up with a friend. We went to a little cafe, wich looked nice. we were the first there so it was nice and quiet, we both orderd a drink and sat down in these really comfy chairs. and then we had a really good conversation for like a hour and a half.

Until a man sat down 1 table away from us. And he then decided to strike up a conversation with us, normaly I wouldnt mind. The guy looked lonely and probaly had nobody to talk to. But damn, he ranted on about stupid shit for like a hour and me and my friend were just waiting for him to finish. But he just kept on talking for really long and just jumped from one subject to another, and trust me you just couldnt get a word in-between. Eventually we said we needed to catch a bus and we just got out of there, altough it was a kinda funny experience I guess.

After that we decided to go to a japanese shop. We bought some bubble tea, pocky and 2 fortune cookie for the both of us. We sat down infront of a church and then opened the fortune cookies. I got a paper with the text: "A secret admirer will soon send you a sign of affection". Damn, shit kinda make me excited!!

After hanging out in the city we said goodbye. Then I biked to my best friends house and she cooked one of the best chicken dishes ive ever had. We then just played some gta and I went home and now we have been in call for 4 hours or something, just talking and gaming! Epic!!! Im gonna go to sleep soon tho. Im really tired, I hope I can add some new things to the website soon!

I also took some pictures today, I made one which I think is now my favorite! I will it post below. Okay, bye now!!!!

02/08/2024

03:36

Damn its kinda late, but I still wanted to write something!

today I finaly decided to try and record a song on my acoustic and bass guitar. It kinda turned out shit tho in my opinion, but I think that of almost all the music I make, idk why tho I guess my extreme fear of failure makes me wanting to aim super high at things I do. guess ill just have to live with it tho because nothing I tried worked to get rid of it. maybe i'll make a music tab under creations, I hope I can post some audio files there.

Anyway I also had work wich was boring as always, just waiting for the time to pass by. I work as a store employee and my job is to stock the shelves, simple work for teenagers yes nothing much going on there. But after work I played GTA5 with my best friend and the fucking time flew by so fast lol. Thats why im typing this at almost 4 in the morning, but yeah you know what they say. Time flies by when you're having fun!

Tomorow I have a lot of exiting things so I am going to sleep now I'll make sure to post about it tomorow!